Some things seem to be backsliding with JMB a bit. I’ve been working with our pediatrician and requested bloodwork be done to examine whether he had any issues with his thyroid. I’ve also been working with a naturopathic doctor to see if she could help JMB with the difficulties he has.

As I was driving to an appointment in Knoxville I was reflecting on my life and our current situation as a family. I was pondering over the gospel, our extended family relationships, and the amazing conversation we had experienced Sunday night with friends. I was overcome with grief being awaken to just how awful my situation is. How I know absolutely nothing!! How I am hopelessly, at this time, like a leaf torn from the tree being driven through a storm without goal, destination, shoring, or any sort of foundation. In short, I am lost. I am lost. I am lost in the darkness.

I realized, as I drove down Kingston Pike—past Sitar Indian Cuisine, Krispy Kreme, approaching Albunda Dr—that I am exactly like Alma the Younger during the time he was unconscious for three days. I am lost and just about to be engulfed by the deep and bitter darkness of despair, when I remembered the words that Alma said, that he remembered the words which he had heard his father spoke. Yes!!!! There is hope. I can remember the words of eternal life that I have heard spoken.

Well, I arrived at my appointment and life interrupted my fine meditation—right when I was beginning to have hope.

Later that night when I got home I went and took a hot bath and had the most amazing experience, reading back and forth between Denver Snuffer’s take on the Allegory of the Olive Tree (Jacob 5),1 MSB’s blog post God Is Love, and Mosiah 27. Amazing!

I had, and am having an Alma experience.  https://elderjohnson.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/alma_angel.jpg

Verse 8 tells us that Alma was “numbered among the unbelievers” as I have been all of my life! How shocking! To believe myself a wonderful faith filled LDS and then learn I am actually an unbeliever. What don’t I believe? The Book of Mormon, the role and mission of Joseph Smith, and Jesus Christ.

Verse 11 “behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto them; and he descended as it were in a cloud; and he spake as it were with a voice of thunder, which caused the earth to shake upon which they stood;” Denver Snuffer has come as an angel, and delivered a message from God, which did cause the world or earth (my earth) to tremble.2

Verse 12 continues “And so great was their astonishment, that they fell to the earth, and understood not the words which he spake unto them.” I have fallen; from my lofty position of know it all, righteous LDS to someone who recognizes I am without knowledge. At first, when I read Denver’s books or other writings, I did not understand them. Are the things of God often too hard to hear, to penetrate human understanding? The scriptures seem to suggest this is so.

Verse 13: The angel tells Alma to “arise and stand forth”. Reading the words of Denver has required me to stand and face myself and my sins.

Verse 15 asks the all-important question that I tried to avoid and felt would be more comfortable to deny. “And now behold, can ye dispute the power of God? For behold, doth not my voice shake the earth? And can ye not also behold me before you? And I am sent from God.” Why do these things open up my understanding? They are painful. If these words form Denver are correct and true, then it is so embarrassing. This is just like another one of those "loser" LDS offshoots!

Verse 16 draws my attention back to the restoration and early history of the church. Telling me to remember the teachings of Joseph Smith. “Now I say unto thee: Go, and remember the captivity of thy fathers in the land of Helam, and in the land of Nephi; and remember how great things he has done for them; for they were in bondage, and he has delivered them. And now I say unto thee, Alma, go thy way, and seek to destroy the church no more, that their prayers may be answered, and this even if thou wilt of thyself be cast off.” Could we switch those city names to Kirkland, Independence, and Nauvoo? Remember the promises God made to the saints? Did we actually receive what we think we received? Or did we reject Joseph Smith? Jesus Christ? And lose all?

Verse 17-19 “And now it came to pass that these were the last words which the angel spake unto Alma, and he departed. And now Alma and those that were with him fell again to the earth, for great was their astonishment; for with their own eyes they had beheld an angel of the Lord; and his voice was as thunder, which shook the earth; and they knew that there was nothing save the power of God that could shake the earth and cause it to tremble as though it would part asunder. And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth; yea, and he became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore he was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father.” How many times have I fallen to my knees and had no words, truly nothing, to give the Lord. How I have cried and been weak with sorrow until finally I had become low enough, humble enough to be laid before my Father in prayer?

I have not yet come out on the other side like Alma and I continue as in verses 27-30. I understand that my unbelief has let me “like to be cast off”, “wading through much tribulation, repenting nigh unto death”. “I was in the darkest abyss” “My soul was racked with eternal torment;” “I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembereth every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all.” Why have I refused to accept His offered hand? Why do I languish in low torments of hell and reject the arm that is stretched out still?!?

I still, at this time, remain in the confusion of Alma’s experience. But...I do feel a hope. I am awakening to the belief in the personal assurances that “The Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning,” for “now I behold the marvelous light of God” and now I hope to be “born of God”.

Hopefully, in the Lords mercy He will snatch me from burnings. Hopefully “he will make himself manifest unto all”, unto ME, “and my soul [shall be] pained no more.”

 

Notes

1. See the twenty or so blog posts examining Jacob 5 beginning here.

2. "And in fine, wo unto all those who tremble, and are angry because of the truth of God! For behold, he that is built upon the rock receiveth it with gladness; and he that is built upon a sandy foundation trembleth lest he shall fall. Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more of the word of God, for we have enough!" (2 Nephi 28:28)