I dreamt I entered a normal LDS chapel building you would find anywhere in the United States.  It was nothing special. In my dream I was somewhat back in my youth but with all of the experiences of my womanhood.  I entered the building and as I walked in I saw some women heading into a mother’s lounge, carrying babies and diaper bags.  I looked off to my right and saw a staircase with people climbing up them.  The general direction of everyone in the building was toward the sacrament room.  I felt out of place and uncomfortable.  I knew that I didn’t want to be there.  I followed the stream of people and arrived in the sacrament room.  I was completely surrounded by the familiar faces of my youth; Bishop Collins and his whole family, Sister Collins, Tiffany, JaNece, Bryan and Zachary.  Michelle Smothers and Danielle Horn were there, as well as the entire Todd family.  Katie Todd was on the pulpit prepared to give a talk.  This was significant as she has been inactive from the church since we were teenagers (17), and now after so many years she was there.  Everyone sat down in their chosen pews but I stayed standing and ended up just walking out.  I had every intention of coming back, but it felt wrong and I didn’t want to be there and I just walked out. 

The rest of my dream was just walking through the building trying to find my way back to the sacrament room.  No one seemed to see me, or recognize me, or even care if I was there or not.  I ended up following another group of people and found myself in another sacrament room, similar but different from my own wards sacrament room.  I knew I was in the wrong place with people I didn’t know.  I left.  By now I was totally lost and had no idea where I was, the building grew larger and the purposes of it expanded.  It became a day care center, a preschool/elementary school.  I realized I was waking up and I seemed to leave my body and experience the rest of my dream from a spectator position.  I saw the large building as I floated back away from it and knew it was the size of a university.

I woke up and ended up doing the dishes with MSB and TRB for about 2 hours.  It was a terrible mess.  Then I told MSB my dream and as I did I understood that I was lost in a church which I no longer belonged.  I walked away and became lost from many I loved and felt close to, and could not find them again. Needless to say I have been feeling lost today and with a heavy heart.

I have been this way for a long time now, this searching mess of a person who has known that I no longer belong to or with the LDS church, but the dream was a symbol to me that made things more final. Lord, what do I do? I know that there is only one church in which I long to belong, the Church of the Firstborn.

Hours later:

We had a most wonderful family scripture service in which I have been uplifted and rejoicing!  I feel to understand that the dream was an answer to prayer.  I have desired to have my name removed from the records of the church for some several months now.  I looked into it seriously back in January when my dad sent me the awful letter which broke my heart.  I felt that I couldn’t endure to be abused by those who think they have authority over me.  I knew I would not want to be forced into a place where others felt to condemn me and by so doing condemned themselves.  It would be too painful and I wanted to just remove my name from the records of the church.

Well, after I had the family scripture service today, I went to my bedroom and prayed. I have been praying off and on about it for some time, and prayed to know if I should remove my name.  I felt so good.  I explained I believed the dream was an answer to my prayer and that I would stay lost until I left the building that was so ponderous and confusing to me.  Oh my soul!  I cannot believe I have come to this place but here I am!  And dear Jesus, who loves me and is in the process of rescuing me from my sins, I am free!  I am so happy.  I have no idea what is in the future or on the horizon.  But I belong to no church of man. I turn away from them and face Thee – I cast aside my fears.  I cast aside my doubts and I ask Thee to save me from my forsaken, awful situation.