Give Way

LHB went to a foot reflexologist who said that our fears and negative emotions can get trapped in our joints and often our knees. I thought about bodily issues, decrepit-ness I was feeling and thought about the way I emotionally react to situations. My religious views are so rare that I'm unable to relate to anyone. No one understood me about something that was deeply important and personal to me. As a result, I was depersonalized and thrown into oblivion and resented, forgave, but still distrusted people and was deeply disappointed by them, such that I found little left to live and hope for. I rejected a couple of what was some considered the most important parts of the religious beliefs of my childhood, as a result, I was disconnected, misunderstood and rejected by family, the most important connections, and even though I can still talk to them, I am a huge disappointment and worry for them. After this, I found the fellowship of some like-minded people, but a few years later found myself rejected by them for similar reasons. And so when I meet people, I am jaded and have little interest in getting to know them, but at the same time, I hope in my inmost self, that I will be able to connect with them and have a meaningful relationship. Perhaps this is why my neck is stiff, my arms ache and my knees want to give way, and when I try to join something, I come down with flu-like symptoms for which Aconite has been a remedy; one of the symptoms of nightshade poisoning being a gripping fear. I trying to rekindle a joy I had when I was a teenager, and hope, that I might be able to relate and connect with human beings that have the same interest.

I am poured out like water,
    and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax,
    it is melted within my breast;
my strength is dried up like a potsherd,
    and my tongue cleaves to my jaws;
    thou dost lay me in the dust of death.

I have been betrayed by know-it-alls and know-nothings alike. The self important who presume to teach yet can speak only while riding the coat tails of the know something. The wanton ignorant who didn’t even read the materials once!! By those who presume to be “his people” yet without justification, who have  repeated exactly the same choices and cast me out. The know somethings who with brutality cast me out as well and have left me, alone.

In many ways it has freed me, and in a way I am grateful. But feelings so deep resulted in a betrayal so large, otherwise the wounds could not have cut to the center.

How do I recover from this both spirit and body? How do I forgive more than superficially?

May they be blessed with an abundance of their repulsive behavior. Let them be filled to overflowing with it until they are finally repulsed themselves.