Wretched

Before I begin my next article, I wanted to write a personal note. I've had a dry spell for a few reasons. I started to become confident in myself. I started to use my knowledge to abuse the feelings of others. I started to glory in myself, and not glory in the Lord. I hastened to write but did not hasten to wait on the Lord. I was not slow of speech. The beast took the opportunity to deceive and dig his claws in. I was left to myself. Only with the understanding I have now, being left to myself, or "without God in the world" is terrifying, because I know what I am. It is ugly, and I am nothing, less than nothing without the Lord.

Last night I wept bitterly because of how wicked and wretched I am. I got up around midnight and wept in the bathroom for a while, pleading to the Lord to have mercy on what I am. I gathered some composure, blew my nose and got back in bed. I picked up the scriptures and laid them under my pillow and as I lay on my side and held them in my hands I wept some more and cried to the Lord. I'm guessing this all lasted for an hour or two. Gradually I started to calm down, and felt a little better. I got up and made a couple eggs (I fell asleep that night around 7pm without eating dinner) and took care of some other things since I was awake.

When I went back to bed, the spirit that I once had, came back, bringing ideas and thoughts back into my mind and I jotted them down on my phone, and then put it away. Another idea came, so I picked the phone back up and wrote that as well. This lasted for an hour or so as I contemplated the temple ceremony. This is something that I have been wanting to write about for a while, and had, what I thought were some good ideas, but I never really felt like they flowed to me from the Lord, so I have done nothing with them. I was tired of rushing, trying to force the spirit when little was forthcoming. I needed to do the things that bring light and wait on the Lord for inspiration to come. I needed to repent, which repentance was sore and bitter.

Today has been amazing, spiritually. My son MSBJ came and told me about an evil spirit that had troubled him. He had gotten up in the middle of the night for a drink and when he turned around, he saw the spirit about a foot away from him smiling. Not a sneer he said, but a smile, happy that he was causing him trouble. MSBJ said he knew he had been sent by Satan himself. We talked for a while. He said this stuff always used to sound boring. I told him this isn't theory, this is real, it is really happening. I told him these things are given to him for his knowledge. The Lord is allowing him to see the difference and let him choose. I said, next time you're angry and upset, remember the reason why and choose whether you will fill yourself with light and knowledge, which will bind and cast out evil, or whether you will allow evil into your life. I told him, I'm doing the best I can to teach you what I understand, but you must learn these things yourself, because I don't know a lot.

I told him when your mother or I get angry and we're not paitent with you; we are wrong, and that's our problem. It's my problem and I'm trying to overcome it. But the Lord in his wisdom has seen fit to allow you to experience this when it happens. He has given you imperfect parents to try you. He's given me a temper to try me. It is all a perfect test for all of us.

He told me about some inspiration he had when reading the scriptures, how the Lord inspired him to read some verses to read out of order, and with slightly different words. He wrote it all down (which getting MSBJ to write anything is a special kind of miracle). I'm sure these things must be from the Lord because it makes him meek, humble, easy to be entreated. He told me that he has some memory of recently an angel coming to him in the night. He said the Lord has withheld some of the information he received, but that the angel was one of the El, or a son of the morning as he put it (not Satan as I originally thought), and told them he had to choose. He back-pedaled and said it might not have been, because I don't think I'm worthy enough to receive and angel like that. MSBJ said he previously felt like some great things would happen in his life when he was sixteen, like driving and other things. The angel told him he must choose if he wants to have his life in danger by his choices, or if he wants to have a part in building and establishing Zion.

MSB and I were also able to resolve some hurt feelings we had with others. The manner which this happened, I also consider miraculous. I wanted to apologize yesterday for some angry comments I made on Facebook, but tabled it because it just wasn't feeling right. Today two of the people I/we had offended contacted us, and were very kind, more kind than I could have imagined, and both told LHB and I they loved us like a brother or sister. I was floored, but very thankful. I quickly wrote to them, and sent a heart-felt apology which was received, by both, very kindly and charitably.

Tonight LHB felt like she had an answer to her prayer which I won't go into, but she also felt inspired regarding Alma the Younger and how well his situation applies to us. This was something, being familiar with the story, that I didn't see, but when she explained, it all seemed to fit well and be very inspired. I asked her to write her thoughts down and I hope we'll see them soon on our blog.

I thank God for is mercy. I hope I can be faithful to him, and if not that I will not be deceived and try to blame Him for my failures, but accept the full weight of the responsibility. For I know a little of what is required to be in the place I hope to be, and it is a daunting and formidable task. This scripture speaks well to how I feel, and it is coincidental, that LHB used it in the description of her thoughts to me.

"I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembereth every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all.  Yea, every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess before him. Yea, even at the last day, when all men shall stand to be judged of him, then shall they confess that he is God; then shall they confess, who live without God in the world, that the judgment of an everlasting punishment is just upon them; and they shall quake, and tremble, and shrink beneath the glance of his all-searching eye." (Mosiah 27:30-31)