I want you both to know I love the restored Gospel and have a testimony of it, though we may have a different understanding on some things. I hope to not cause you guys any heartache over it. The Lord has designed our lives such that we have relationships with family and friends that we treasure. He wants to know what we are willing to lose in order to find Him—to obtain grace. Our ancestors gave up a lot to be enabled to search their way to finding and pleasing that being who created them. It has been a source of trouble for me, to search, because of the relationships I value, and the judgment that inevitably comes. However, as one who knew God said, all things must be put upon the altar in order to obtain the knowledge that I seek.

As you know, I have been searching and praying for a long time to understand what I see as a dissonance between what I find in the scriptures and our present situation. I have had a hard time reconciling some things. I've come to the point now, however, that I have received a witness from God that some things that I asked about, are true, and that while I have not arrived at the destination, I have a better understanding how to get where I want myself and my family to be, if they desire to come.

I prayed and started reading the scriptures this morning and didn't get thirty seconds into it before these thoughts came to my mind.

"Enter ye in at the strait gate; for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, which leadeth to destruction, and many there be who go in thereat; Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." (3 Nephi 14:13-14)

I asked: If the way is strait and there are few that find it, how do we know that we are the ones that have found it? Who are the few? Is it us because we have the Book of Mormon and the church? By what criteria can those few be identified today?

"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world? Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him." (John 14:21-23)

"John 14:23—The appearing of the Father and the Son, in that verse, is a personal appearance; and the idea that the Father and the Son dwell in a man’s heart is an old sectarian notion, and is false." (D&C 130:3)

Christ says if a man has his commandments and keeps them, that he and the Father will take up their abode with them. Joseph said this is to be taken literally. Can we be justified in calling ourselves chosen, having found truth, or part of Zion without having kept the commandments? Can we know that we are keeping the commandments if we have not received the fruit spoken of? If we have not yet received that fruit, which is the fruit of the tree of eternal life, then are we still supposed to be knocking, seeking and finding?1

It might be said that "He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: but has set up idols in his heart which leadeth away from me. And all things that are not by me or by my word shall be thrown down and shall not endure." (John 14:24, D&C 132:13, Ezekiel 14:1-11)

How do we know if we have anything given to us by "his word"? Is it the same way and through the same evidence that we know if we have kept his commandments?

"We have now clearly set forth how it is, and how it was, that God became an object of faith for rational beings; and also, upon what foundation the testimony was based, which excited the enquiry and diligent search of the ancient saints, to seek after and obtain a knowledge of the glory of God: and we have seen that it was human testimony, and human testimony only, that excited this enquiry, in the first instance in their minds—it was the credence they gave to the testimony of their fathers—this testimony having aroused their minds to enquire after the knowledge of God, the enquiry frequently terminated, indeed, always terminated, when rightly pursued, in the most glorious discoveries, and eternal certainty." (Lectures of Faith 2:56)

Joseph had only the Bible to use and leverage which the people revered.2 I thank God I also have the words of Joseph which today are revered by those I love.

 

In the end of the Book of Mormon as Moroni was considering what we would need to understand for our day he asked:

"...have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved? Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain." (Moroni 7:35-37)

Why is all vain? Consider King Benjamin's message:

"And again my brethren, I would call your attention, for I have somewhat more to speak unto you; for behold, I have things to tell you concerning that which is to come. And the things which I shall tell you are made known unto me by an angel from God. And he said unto me: Awake; and I awoke, and behold he stood before me. And he said unto me: Awake, and hear the words which I shall tell thee; for behold, I am come to declare unto you the glad tidings of great joy. For the Lord hath heard thy prayers, and hath judged of thy righteousness, and hath sent me to declare unto thee that thou mayest rejoice; and that thou mayest declare unto thy people, that they may also be filled with joy." (Mosiah 3:1-4)

It is true angels come among us unawares, they assist us, they test us. But angels also actually appear in their glory to deliver an authorized message from God as they did with King Benjamin, Adam, as they do with all true messengers. If an authorized message is not received and if the powers of heaven do not come down among us, then all is vain.3 We minister in vain, having not authority4 and are left to not understand God's mysteries—in other words, his means of salvation and we are left in darkness.5

Granted this process does not come all at once and involves a great while of searching, seeking, and obeying his commandments, but we are promised that everyone who seeks will find.6 But if we are not even seeking it, how can it be opened unto us? If angels do not minister to us, are we even on the path? Moroni gave it to us as a sign (that we ought to be steadfastly looking for), that all is vain.

Does this mean God does not love us? That he is not as the Prodigal's father hoping and looking for us while we are yet a long way off? And when he seeth us, he runs and embraces us? Does he not still strive with us, though we have not come unto Him, and send rain and many other good things and mercies upon the just and unjust?

I am not afraid to say that I am among the unjust. As I examine my soul, it is beyond any question. The brother of Jared acknowledged this, that because of the fall our natures have become evil continually. It is only because I see this, that I can repent. It is only by being redeemed from the fall, like the brother of Jared, that I have any hope at all.

The spirit continues strive with us. We look upon this statement as a judgment, a condemnation, that because of God's mercies, the spirit strives with the wicked. It's true, we are all wicked. The way to return to the beauty of our child-like innocence we each had in our Garden at birth, is to be redeemed by the only being that obtained that power, who desires us all to awake and arise.

You may look upon my words as evil, and while I have admitted that I am evil, I, from time to time am a beneficiary of this striving where I, in the process of returning to my Father, have light and knowledge flow into me.

Apostasy has nothing to do with not being in-line with church authorities, and everything to do with not being in-line with Christ. Examine the Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith himself, and you will find God's pattern, and you will see that the chosen people were nearly always in a state of apostasy, and that prophets were raised outside their established ecclesiastical hierarchy, ordained by God himself7 and called to cry repentance. God always uses the smallest of means. His means are not regarded by men because there is no beauty in them, at least the kind that fallen mankind desires. As a result they are considered wild men, mocked, hunted, imprisoned in sewers and sawn asunder.8

We are so close—we have been placed in our lives, in such close proximity to truth, that it would be such a great disappointment if we let it slip from our grasp. Our disappointment though, while "eternal" is not never-ending. For whatever principle of truth we gain in this life, will rise with us in the resurrection.9

It is a hard thing that I have declared. It was hard for me to bear, even in my condition of searching because it cut me to the center. We, as people, are apt to shut our eyes at unpleasant things, even if they are true.10 If there is one thing I've learned in the last eleven years, it is that.

I love you, and I know you love me, otherwise you would not be concerned. I thank God for my parents who taught me a love for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Who inspired me in my youth with stories of the ancient patriarchs, the fathers. Reading and discussing the book of Moses in the Pearl of Great Price was inspiring to my child's mind and I have never forgotten it, and it is my earliest and most treasured memory of the Gospel that was taught in my home.

If I am an offense to you and in return I am the target of bitter, or sorrowful words, or if I am looked upon as lost needing reclaiming, and these come to me either justly or unjustly, I accept it, and forgive it immediately. It is not offenses that come to me that bother me, but it bothers me that I may be an offense to you and cause you sorrow. I never want to do this, and it troubles me to cause you any pain. I have sat on this letter for a long time.

You have helped me. You have nourished my body and spirit as a child, and now, in turn, I have found some truth, some pearls of great price and I want to help lift us all, myself included.

Pray about my words, there is light in them. Ask the Father to show you whether they are true. Ask about each phrase of these scriptures and words of Joseph and greater depths will be opened to you the more you ponder, the more you allow yourself to ponder. This is the food, the nourishment of eternal life. The voice of Christ is sounding and expanding today.11 If we make this endure in us until we find, it will be well with us.

I write this in the spirit as it causes my frame to shake in gratitude and love, and I hope it will likewise be received.

I love you,

MSB

 

Notes

1. "Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened." (3 Nephi 14:7-8)

"Never cease striving until you have seen God face to face. Strengthen your faith; cast off you doubts, your sins, and all your unbelief; and nothing can prevent you from coming to God. Your ordination is not full and complete till God has laid His hand upon you. We require as much to qualify us as did those who have gone before us; God is the same. If the Savior in former days laid His hands upon His disciples, why not in latter days?" (Oliver Cowdery, HC v 2, ch 13, p 195)

2. "The doctors (I mean doctors of law, not physic) say, 'If you preach anything not according to the Bible, we will cry treason.' How can we escape the damnation of hell, except God be with us and reveal to us? Men bind us with chains. The Latin says Jacobus, which means Jacob; the Hebrew says Jacob, the Greek says Jacob and the German says Jacob, here we have the testimony of four against one. I thank God that I have got this old book; but I thank him more for the gift of the Holy Ghost. I have got the oldest book in the world; but I have got the oldest book in my heart, even the gift of the Holy Ghost. I have all the four Testaments. Come here, ye learned men, and read, if you can. I should not have introduced this testimony, were it not to back up the word rosh—the head, the Father of the Gods. I should not have brought it up, only to show that I am right." (Joseph Smith, King Follett Discourse)

3. In my search up to this time I looked for the signs, or the fruit of faith. I looked for prophecy, visions, revelations. I looked for these things not because I didn't believe the scriptures, but because I did. Because the scriptures gave us a measure to test others. This is part of "righteous judgement" (Matthew 7:2 Inspired Version). There was never a test that said we have greater faith if we don't look for the fruit, or ignored Christ's test. Or if we accept any teacher in absence of evidence. He said judge by the fruit. If he said it, it is a commandment and we ought to do it. The Book of Mormon is even more explicit in this area. Here's one example:

"But behold, they [the believers] did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain." (3 Nephi 1:8)

Notice that they watched for what God had promised to show them. Notice they believed first, and because they believed they were "steadfastly" watching for the sign. Also notice that if what was promised had not been shown to them, their faith would have been vain.

I would say also, take care in what you do take for authentic signs, because whether you know it or not, we are all looking for them.

4. "Behold, I am Alpha and Omega, even Jesus Christ.  Wherefore, let all men beware how they take my name in their lips—For behold, verily I say, that many there be who are under this condemnation, who use the name of the Lord, and use it in vain, having not authority. Wherefore, let the church repent of their sins, and I, the Lord, will own them; otherwise they shall be cut off. Remember that that which cometh from above is sacred, and must be spoken with care, and by constraint of the Spirit; and in this there is no condemnation, and ye receive the Spirit through prayer; wherefore, without this there remaineth condemnation." (D&C 63:60-64)

5. "It is given unto many to know the mysteries of God; nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him. And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know the mysteries of God until he know them in full. And they that will harden their hearts, to them is given the lesser portion of the word until they know nothing concerning his mysteries; and then they are taken captive by the devil, and led by his will down to destruction. Now this is what is meant by the chains of hell." (Alma 12:10-11)

6. "I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise." (D&C 82:10)

7. "All Priesthood is Melchizedek, but there are different portions or degrees of it. That portion which brought Moses to speak with God face to face was taken away; but that which brought the ministry of angels remained. All the prophets had the Melchizedek Priesthood and were ordained by God himself." (Joseph Smith, TPJS Section Four 1839-42, p.180)

8. "And they came forth to hear [Enoch], upon the high places, saying unto the tent-keepers: Tarry ye here and keep the tents, while we go yonder to behold the seer, for he prophesieth, and there is a strange thing in the land; a wild man hath come among us." (Moses 6:38)

"The world always mistook false prophets for true ones, and those that were sent of God, they considered to be false prophets, and hence they killed, stoned, punished and imprisoned the true prophets, and these had to hide themselves 'in deserts and dens, and caves of the earth,' and though the most honorable men of the earth, they banished them from their society as vagabonds, whilst they cherished, honored and supported knaves, vagabonds, hypocrites, impostors, and the basest of men." (Joseph Smith, HC v. 4, ch. 33, p. 573)

9. "Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come." (D&C 130:18-19)

10. "It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those who, having eyes, see not, and, having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation? For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it." (Patrick Henry, St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia, March 23, 1775)

"Now after Mosiah had finished translating these records, behold, it gave an account of the people who were destroyed, from the time that they were destroyed back to the building of the great tower, at the time the Lord confounded the language of the people and they were scattered abroad upon the face of all the earth, yea, and even from that time back until the creation of Adam. Now this account did cause the people of Mosiah to mourn exceedingly, yea, they were filled with sorrow; nevertheless it gave them much knowledge, in the which they did rejoice." (Mosiah 28:17-18)

11. "That prophet" is Christ.

Moses

"The Lord thy God will raise up unto thee a Prophet from the midst of thee, of thy brethren, like unto me; unto him ye shall hearken; According to all that thou desiredst of the Lord thy God in Horeb in the day of the assembly, saying, Let me not hear again the voice of the Lord my God, neither let me see this great fire any more, that I die not. And the Lord said unto me, They have well spoken that which they have spoken. I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him. And it shall come to pass, that whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require it of him. But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die." (Deuteronomy 18:15-20)

Nephi

"And the Lord will surely prepare a way for his people, unto the fulfilling of the words of Moses, which he spake, saying: A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that all those who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people. And now I, Nephi, declare unto you, that this prophet of whom Moses spake was the Holy One of Israel; wherefore, he shall execute judgment in righteousness. (1 Nephi 22:20-21)

Christ

"And they asked him, saying; How then art thou Elias? And he said, I am not that Elias who was to restore all things. And they asked him, saying, Art thou that prophet? And he answered, No." (John 1:22, Inspired Version)

"Behold, I am he of whom Moses spake, saying: A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that every soul who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people." (3 Nephi 20:23)

"Therefore it shall come to pass that whosoever will not believe in my words, who am Jesus Christ, which the Father shall cause him to bring forth unto the Gentiles, and shall give unto him power that he shall bring them forth unto the Gentiles, (it shall be done even as Moses said) they shall be cut off from among my people who are of the covenant." (3 Nephi 22:11)

Peter

"For Moses truly said unto the fathers, A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear that prophet, shall be destroyed from among the people." (Acts 3:22-23)

Moroni (1823)

"In addition to these, he quoted the eleventh chapter of Isaiah, saying that it was about to be fulfilled. He quoted also the third chapter of Acts, twenty-second and twenty-third verses, precisely as they stand in our New Testament. He said that that prophet was Christ; but the day had not yet come when “they who would not hear his voice should be cut off from among the people,” but soon would come." (JSH 1:40)

They key to understanding who "that prophet" is, is to understand as Moroni told Joseph, that it is Christ and His voice will be heard again. The source of that voice is not important. The important part, to avoid be cut off, is hearing and recognizing his voice when it sounds, and identifying the voices of pretenders.